My earliest memories of being different from others would be in my early primary school years. My friendships were very unstable due to my low self-esteem. One day I would have a friend and be very happy, the next day I would come home crying to Mum because I had no friends and no one liked me. I began to dislike school because I felt so lonely and unloved there. There is nothing that can describe how lonely and self-conscious I felt at school then. I didn’t have a sixth grade buddy or a high school friend. No one was there to make me feel special or like I was really needed.

My learning disabilities became more and more apparent as I went through primary school. One night my father went over my three times tables with me. I knew them that night. The next morning my father asked me: ’3 x 9′ and I answered ’29′. I can still remember vividly the frustration on his face. There were many instances such as this, and I thought my father would have learned the first time that I just couldn’t remember things.

In my school reports I only ever got C’s and D’s. I found this very frustrating because I tried and tried but still did not achieve. My teachers would always reply, ‘Try harder, Mardi’, but they did not seem to understand that I had tried my best.

Mardi’s story continues throughout the book. Now a teacher, wife and mother Mardi shares her story from three different times in her life. It’s a great message of hope.

Expectations of the family are highlighted every day in the media. We are all familiar with the following scenarios. The beautiful little girl playing contentedly with her doll, speaking distinctly and looking very, very cute. The young boy with a scratched knee who looks plaintively at his mother for help with never a whimper, or the little boy who arrives home from football covered in dirt, undresses and puts his clothes into the washing machine for the magic powder to whisk away the filth. Mother and father take the children on a long driving holiday to Central Australia in their spotless four-wheel drive, children laughing and playing all the way. On arrival they jump from the car, help set up the campsite and cook the barbecue. Even conflict situations are depicted with a sense of humour and a happy conclusion. Life is rarely that easy

Many people are unprepared for parenting. It’s often a case of learning on the job. If the child has an even temperament and is a good match for the parents’ personalities, then the parenting process usually proceeds without too much drama. Parents with children who are not particularly difficult learn from their parental mistakes and the children, despite the normal frustration with their parents, generally adapt to the family environment. These children are able to adapt to the errors of parents and learn from the process of give and take within the family. In these families, adequate or good enough parenting is usually sufficient.

For parents whose children have a difficult temperament and who may also have learning and social difficulties, life can be exceptionally hard. Good enough may not be good enough when raising these children. For these parents the job is much harder, takes longer and is more intense. In particular, the margin for error is less.

Parents: it is not your fault!

Many parents make the statement that having tried every intervention they can think of without success, their child’s unacceptable behaviour must be the parents’ fault. However, once parents recognise that the child has been born with certain temperamental traits, it is possible to reassess the parental role and begin to take positive action to introduce EFFECTIVE discipline. While parents wallow in self-pity or guilt, they are not able to assert their parental role effectively.

Temperament is set at birth. It cannot be changed but it can be managed. After a fifteen-year study of temperament in children, the Australian Institute of Family Studies report makes this statement: ‘Temperament plays a very important role in how children develop, especially in the school and emotional areas and it has long term effects on how well they adjust to life in the family, at school and in the wider environment”

This chapter discusses the effect of poor social skills on a child experiencing diffident temperament. The components of temperament are discussed so that parents can identify where a strategy is most needed.

It is important to note that most children will, at times, display difficult behaviour. Often there will be no need for parents to intervene because the behaviour will pass without significant disruption to a child’s life. A child has less ability to control emotions when difficult temperamental issues are involved. At other times the child may be simply exhibiting the normal emotional responses for that age. Knowing this concept alone is often a release for parents. Issues of difficult temperament include:

High Energy Level, Poor adaptability, Poor sequencing skills, Very distracted , Highly impulsive, Volatile, Sensitivity, Mood, Intensity, Paying attention, Poor social skills

Social Skills

Almost all children with a difficult temperament will have poor social skills. Their inability to read social cues and the overwhelming need to become part of the group, when in fact they are often emotionally unable to do so, will lead some children to the most inappropriate behaviour. Some of the impulsive behaviours mentioned earlier such as, pushing in, calling out, making inappropriate comments and acting in strange and sometimes violent ways, do not endear them to their peer group. Richard Lavoie makes the statement, ‘Children with learning disorders often have particular difficulty developing social competence.’

Even though these children may be elected to leadership positions because of their high energy skills, their ability to form intimate peer relationships is not usually good.

Emotionally your child may not ‘fit’ with siblings and the peer group. This may also contribute to the inability to make close friends. Many children with a difficult temperament can be observed trying hard to become part of the general ‘group’. Learning social skills is not an easy lesson for many children, let alone those with a difficult temperament.

Self-Esteem

Many children with difficult temperament or learning difficulties have low self-esteem. This is often a result of the fact that they are unable to sustain meaningful friendships and do not have support within their peer group. By the age of eight or nine children are able to compare themselves to their peer group. Many difficult children begin to struggle to find a place for themselves in this structure. It is quite normal for a child’s self- esteem to fluctuate, especially at times of change; for example, going from primary school to high school. Part of the process of growing up is to increase the level of self-esteem so that it remains more consistent as the years go by.

Age Appropriate Development

Chronological age – a numbers game

Children have a chronological age and an emotional age. The term, chronological age, refers to the number of years that have passed since they were born. It is this age that is commonly referred to when we ask people how old they are. Unfortunately, it is also the age used for most life transitions.

Emotional age – more appropriate

Children also have an emotional age. This term refers to how a child develops and adapts to life compared to other individuals of the same chronological age. The emotional age for most children with difficult temperaments is ‘younger’ than their chronological age. Unfortunately, society is generally structured to operate on chronological age. The expectation of chronological progression is extremely frustrating for those whose difficult temperament affects their relationships. The expectation is that they will perform emotionally in line with their chronological age, when experience shows that they are usually functioning at an emotional age which is lower.

‘Talk to the animals’

Next time you are watching a documentary about baby animals, especially the large cat families, watch how the young animals ‘play’. Biting, wrestling, pushing, chasing, shoving, growling, snarling and rolling on top of each other are all part of how they learn the skills that will mean the difference between survival or death in the wild.

Sibling Dislocation

Sibling dislocation refers to a change in the position of a child’s birth order in terms of role and identity within the family system. This often results from the difficult child being unable to perform at their chronological age leading to the child moving into a different position in the family. Younger siblings may be able to complete tasks that are extremely difficult for the older sibling to perform. So, instead of the older child guiding the younger ones, the leadership order is turned around, often resulting in extreme frustration for the chronologically older sibling.

Peer Realignment

To have satisfactory relations with children of one’s own age is a very important aspect of a child’s social adjustment and becomes increasingly central as children move into adolescence. Social cognition (how people think about and understand social interactions) provides a basis for interacting with others and when this area of a child’s development is delayed, peer relationships are dislocated. Because children with a difficult temperament can be extremely intrusive in social interactions, the parents of other children may encourage the isolation of difficult children. Retaliation is often seen when a difficult and isolated child becomes the ‘class clown’ to establish a place in the group.

Firstly, let us look at the meaning of the word ‘discipline’. In the minds of many it has become synonymous with punishment. In fact, the word discipline comes from the Latin DISCIPLINA meaning to disciple, teach, instruct or guide. The true meaning of the word is one of a teacher instructing the pupil; a far cry from the meaning usually given to the word.

Children feel secure when parents give clear instructions, mean what they say and consistently follow through.

The limits imposed must be age-appropriate. The time for coming home from an outing for a seven-year-old will be quite different from that of a sixteen-year-old. There is still likely to be resistance from children and adolescents, even when the limits imposed are age-appropriate. The key task is not to develop unnecessary resistance from the child by imposing inappropriate limits.

The principle of Competence requires parents to have a great deal of self-discipline. Difficult children are often what their name implies: difficult! Parents, who would otherwise be patient people taking life’s problems in their stride, can find themselves reduced to tears and outbursts of frustrated anger. Parents will also receive a lot of unhelpful advice from other adults who have never experienced living with a difficult child.

Discipline strategies are intended to enable the child to improve self-control and to build a sense of personal competence. Anything that breaks the principle of Competence should be eliminated.

In this chapter, five rules are outlines and form the basis for your new mode of parenting.

The Rules:

1. Eye-I
2. Stay detached
3. We-together
4. Set Boundaries
5. Show Empathy

Believe you can be competent, keep your expectations realistic, keep a sense of humour and don’t be discouraged by the bad days. Remember that as children grow you can channel their learning in positive and creative ways.

Tantrums usually come in two different types. One relates to a child’s temperament –temperamental and the other is used by the child to change their environment and achieve their demand - manipulative

A strategy is an action that helps children gain control of their difficult temperament. Parents in this chapter, are guided through five rules to establish strategies.When a parent gains an understanding of the child’s temperament the attitude towards the child usually becomes more sympathetic. Parents can be released from the feeling of being blamed for the child’s behaviour and gain the ability to manage the child effectively, rather than randomly punishing issues arising from difficult temperament.

When a child becomes locked-in, the tantrum is referred to as temperamental. The intensity of the temperamental tantrum is usually greater than that of a manipulative tantrum. A tantrum which is the result of children simply not getting what they want is referred to as a manipulative tantrum, because the children are trying to manipulate the environment to suite an immediate perceived need.

Having established that the tantrum is the result of difficult temperament rather than a manipulative action, a parent needs to move towards the child with understanding, offering help with the temperamental issue, rather than arbitrarily punishing the action. It may well be that punishment will still be necessary; however, by acknowledging the temperamental issue, the message is given that there is someone who will help the child regain control.

When the behaviour has been assessed as one over which the child can exercise self-control, or is the result of a manipulative tantrum, parents either ignore the behaviour or institute a previously negotiated punishment. When punishments are applied, parents remain as disengaged as possible from the child; thus, maximising the detachment rule and giving the clear message, ‘I am not going to get emotionally involved your behaviour’.

Time-Out

Used as a teaching strategy, not a punishment

The concept of ‘Time-Out’ is often used to refer to punishment; that is, taking children away from activities because of inappropriate behaviour. We call this strategy ‘Time-Away’, where children are not allowed to participate in certain activities until they behave more appropriately. The problem for many difficult children is that, without clear instruction about what has gone wrong, such removal from activities will often lead to an increase in inappropriate behaviour.

Time-Out refers to a strategy where the child is removed from a difficult situation so that self-control can be established and the child can learn appropriate behaviour. This may be followed by Time Away where the child is kept away from the activity for an additional period of time as a form of punishment. Time-Out is a teaching strategy in which both parent and child participate.

Hitting a child is ineffective in the long run and has nothing to do with discipline.

Emphasis should be placed on developing management strategies based on sound developmental principles and an awareness of a child’s individuality. This does not mean punishment is totally eliminated. Punishments for harmful behaviour may still be required, even if the behaviour is the result of a child’s difficult temperament; for example, impulsively hitting a younger sibling. The goal is to think ahead and plan for the possibility of inappropriate behaviour due to difficult temperament. Intervening early with a management strategy may eliminate the need to punish the child later.

We do not shrink from using the word punishment. If children do the wrong thing, particularly when it seriously impacts others, they need to be taught how to behave appropriately. Punishment is the giving of an incentive to change behaviour. While the preferred option is always to use positive creative strategies to discipline children, sometimes punishments are necessary. As long as punishments are used as part of a family’s clearly explained strategies and are not overused or abusive, they will help produce more competent children.

Remember : always apply the punishment to teach the child rather than overload the child with your feelings.

When children experience parents in control, with a clear plan of action, the need for specific rewards or punishments is lessened. The mystery of parenting involves the creation of appropriate balanced boundaries.

At a time when the difficult child is calm, parents work out details of charts with the child. Keep in mind what is acceptable for you as the parents, while maximising the child’s participation.

Remember to use the We-Together rule. Children want to feel competent and will generally want to participate in a process that helps them achieve that goal. Charts should always display the behaviour as unacceptable, not the child. For example, ‘The Monster Behaviour is Back’.

Visual information is often helpful for children. Charts fall into three categories:

1. WE DO:
This reminds the children of what is expected and must specifically state the behaviour expected. An example of this, is a chart that requires the children to take turns setting the table for dinner. This type of chart must contain the specific items to be placed on the table and the time frame in which it must be done. This gives the child a goal to aim at and makes it easy for the parent to decide if the job has been completed correctly.

2. WE DON’T:
Display inappropriate behaviour and the punishment for this behaviour. An example of this type of chart would be ‘We do not steal’ and if we do we are required to write a note addressed to the person from who we stole. The child knows what is NOT acceptable and what will happen if they do not comply.

3. STRATEGY CHART:
This chart is used to assist a child when the unacceptable behaviour is a result of difficult temperament and offers the child a reminder of the correct behaviour and the opportunity to comply. An example of this is a chart which shows the child the correct way to dress for school or how to get ready for bed

While charts are helpful for younger children, using contracts with teenagers is often more effective. Because teenagers usually like their own opinion to be considered, parents can often negotiate a contract that will be acceptable. Negotiate the contract when the teenager is in a ‘good space’, and then follow through on the contract if unacceptable behaviour occurs.

Each difficult child is unique and requires individual attention. The strategies required for one child may be quite different from another. As long as each strategy conforms to the principle of Competence and the rules outlined, such differences do not matter. Raising Difficult Children provides a basic structure for discipline rather than giving a comprehensive list of what to do with the wide variety of behaviours exhibited by difficult children.

Techniques

• Stretching Time –when facing a difficult situation, take extra time rather than rushing
• Anticipating change – where possible explain changes to your child.
• Give simple messages – one at a time.
• Explain challenging excursions – teach a strategy so that your child can enjoy experiences.
• Change time – the key is to not wait until the last minute to let the child know that things will be different
• Cool down – it is easier to stop a car in first gear than in top gear speeding down the freeway. Appropriate intervention early helps the child not to go into overdrive.
• Allow children to burn up energy – there are situations where a child may find it necessary to burn off pent-up energy which is caused by a stressful activity.
• Separate mealtime and times to eat – children are not always hungry at 6 p.m.
• Separate bedtime and time to sleep – distinguish the difference between time for bed and time to sleep.
• Structure your family for you – remember how your children ‘fits’ – all families are different and can tolerate different levels of noise and chaos.
• Clear away the clutter – too many toys, too many clothes, to much clutter in the home and classroom can distress a poorly adapted, distracted child.
• Find ‘Uncle Charley’ or ‘Aunty Hope’ – one-on-one attention from a caring adult is a gift for children whose temperament is difficult.

Care for your adult relationships

Care for your relationship. Lots of small gestures are worth far more than extravagant (and unaffordable) activities

To prevent burnout, learn to take care of yourself. Take time out to refresh yourself. Regular exercise can be very effective in the reduction of stress. You don’t necessarily have to spend a lot of money to achieve this goal; a simple brisk walk on a regular basis will do just fine. Find time to sit quietly and put your feet up and relax. Consider joining a support group so you can meet others who really know how you are feeling. Be wary of substance abuse, such as alcohol, when you are feeling stressed. Substance abuse is a common but unhealthy means of ‘getting away from it all’ for parents who are struggling to cope with difficult behaviour in children.

Heather – Mother of Four

Being the mother of four children (three of whom were diagnosed with ADD or ADHD) was never a dull life?  Looking back now over 30 years it has been extremely rewarding.  I do not say it was not hard, challenging and at times almost too much to cope with, however overall it has been full and exciting.  It is sometimes difficult to motivate and to maintain the self esteem of these special children but with unconditional love at the centre it is possible.  In retrospect I may have changed some of my techniques but I would not change my children for the world.  They have all left home and achieved success in their varying careers (well suited to their special gifts) and now wholeheartedly thank their parents for their perseverance and guidance.

I do not feel that the ongoing relationship and bond with my children, who still love to discuss and debate the challenges that the world presents to them, would be nearly as strong if their childhood years had been ‘normal’ and boring.  I would like to encourage parents who are commencing or in the process of the journey – never give up, it’s worth it.

-Heather